Sometimes it's just easier to walk away, make a clean break from it all. Just pack up and leave. Some call it running away from the problem at hand, I call it being sick and tired of dealing with the same bull shit. Sometimes I get so down and feel so bad about myself that I honestly question my own value and self-worth in this world, and it's times like these that I really wonder why I was even brought into existence. Sure, I know the logistics of it -- mommy and daddy screwed up and got pregnant. No, that's not what I'm referring to. I mean, why did God bring me to be?
What is His purpose for me here? Why does He not pull me out of this slump and into something better? Why do I have to continue to suffer the consequences of a sick and bi-polar mind time and time again? Why can't I get peace and happiness? Why can't I seem to find my own happiness? Why have I always had to rely on someone else to lift me up and make me feel better about myself? Why can't I find true happiness within, and will I ever stop leaning on others or will I just find another to lean on?
My kids deserve better than a crazy mom. They're better than that. I feel so bad for them for having to put up with my sickness. Sometimes I honestly believe I should have been committed. Sometimes I feel as if they will always suffer just for being mine. Why am I feeling this way? How can ONE single person, who I really shouldn't give a flying fuck about anyway, make me feel all of this? I mean, if I'm so fucking worthless and disposable to them, then how can they make me feel so fucking low? It doesn't make any sense! It's stupid! It's actually quite pathetic.
There, I said it: I'm pathetic. I'm sick. I need help. I'm my own worst enemy tonight and I didn't have enough alcohol to kill the ill feelings. Maybe I can try again tomorrow night. I was a whole lot happier when I was drowning myself in booze and hiding from my pain. I was numb back then. I didn't feel. I was blissful. It was AWESOME!
So, I talked about moving away from Chris tonight, because I honestly think we are both unhealthy for each other to be around and he gets this attitude about me moving with Ayanna. Wow -- So, I never said visitation was out of the question!!! I never even implied that he wouldn't be able to see her. He just assumed that because I can't be around him that I wouldn't let him be around her. No, I'd actually encourage him to see her, and as often as he possibly could. But, he wanna blow things out of proportion. Typical man only hearing half of what is said and none of what is pertinent. Oh well, he's pissy now, and I'm over it.
As for plans for the future, I know I need to get out of this area - away from him, and start living MY life. I need to do for me and stop worrying about what's in the best interest of the kids, myself, AND him... I worry about that shit way too damn much, and it has to stop somewhere. So, from this point forward I'm planning - I'm planning a future for both me and my children and no longer concerning myself with how anyone else is affected by my choices. It's all about us now; the kids and I.
