I always said that marriage was legal slavery - entrapment - a BS institution that is not taken seriously by anyone anymore... Well, why is it that after I reconnect with some old friends on FB that I find myself looking at their pics... The kids, their vacations, their weddings, and yes, even their husbands... and I find myself feeling like I'm somehow missing out on something.
I want to share that special bond with someone, I want to wear a white (well, OFF white) dress, I want pretty flowers and more than one tier on a cake, TOO! I want, I want, I WANT! lol...
Okay, now that I've thrown my little temper tantrum, let me regroup, collect my thoughts, and breathe! It will be okay. I mean, there IS someone out there for everyone, right? RIGHT?!
What if I don't find him, because I'm not looking for him, because I'm content in the life I have right now - you know, that life of sin? Yeah, that's the one... Me, my kids, and my baby daddy. Under one roof, with separate bedrooms, but we still copulate on occasion... Yeah, that.
So, since I'm so content with the way things are and with how things are going, I'm likely to blow off ANY man. Even the best looking men. I tend to think that if they look good, there's something wrong with him for talking to me. I know, it's crazy and irrational, but my logic is he's either gay, cheating, unemployed (which God knows 2 unemployed folks don't make a good match! lol), a mooch, drunk, a woman beater, OR up to no good... I'm such a skeptic. And if he doesn't look all that good, I immediately think he'd make a good friend but tell him I got a man, when I don't, and also tend to think he's up to no good, too... I mean, ALL men are up to no good, right? Right? :)
I'm rambling. OK, the point of this blog: To expose myself for the hypocrite that I've been for a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time now. I want to find my Mr Right, date, get to know him, fall in love, have him and the kids get along beautifully, and get married and live happily ever after. Will this ever happen? Well, not if I don't learn to let go of what I've got and give up on that pipe dream. Can I do that? It would certainly be a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. I've been stuck in it for over 3 years now, and we all know, that's a long time for me to stick with any one thing - be it a job, a car, a house, or a man. I just don't do stability very well. (At least, I didn't pre-Prozac! lol)
Anyhow, that's all. Just needed to expose myself and move on with my life. Maybe now that I got that off my chest I'll be able to sleep better! :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
WARNING: Turn the TV off before falling asleep!
I had the craziest dream, and I think it was all due to an infomercial that was about knives and kitchen gadgets followed by some random screaming preacher man on TV last night!
I was in the lobby of this building where I was listening to a free seminar about knives. I was there to learn about the newest technology in cutlery and buy some for my kitchen, but the people doing the demo kept talking about God and how I had to do right by Him. God and knives... okay! So, anyhow, I was there with this woman from work named Lisa. Yeah, we were both eating it up... The knives, God, the whole nine years... It was riveting. Anyhow, at the end of their presentation, they presented this special cutting board, and in order to get into heaven, you had to buy this cutting board. If you didn't buy it, God would think you didn't love Him, and you wouldn't be saved... It was a "salvation cutting board" for just 5 easy payments of $19.95.
I was about to sign up for mine, when a sign in one of the offices caught my eye. It read, "Keep your praises confined to the lobby, please!" Me and Lisa approached the lady selling the cutting boards and asked her why we couldn't praise God in the doctor's office. She told us that, sadly, not everyone loves God. I opened the door, and yelled out, "Praise God!" Lisa yelled, "Jesus is Lord!" And we were tackled by security and I woke up!
Conclusion? Turn off the TV before falling asleep! lol. I woke up to a loud screaming preacher, but I'll just BET there was a knife infomercial on just before that! :)
I was in the lobby of this building where I was listening to a free seminar about knives. I was there to learn about the newest technology in cutlery and buy some for my kitchen, but the people doing the demo kept talking about God and how I had to do right by Him. God and knives... okay! So, anyhow, I was there with this woman from work named Lisa. Yeah, we were both eating it up... The knives, God, the whole nine years... It was riveting. Anyhow, at the end of their presentation, they presented this special cutting board, and in order to get into heaven, you had to buy this cutting board. If you didn't buy it, God would think you didn't love Him, and you wouldn't be saved... It was a "salvation cutting board" for just 5 easy payments of $19.95.
I was about to sign up for mine, when a sign in one of the offices caught my eye. It read, "Keep your praises confined to the lobby, please!" Me and Lisa approached the lady selling the cutting boards and asked her why we couldn't praise God in the doctor's office. She told us that, sadly, not everyone loves God. I opened the door, and yelled out, "Praise God!" Lisa yelled, "Jesus is Lord!" And we were tackled by security and I woke up!
Conclusion? Turn off the TV before falling asleep! lol. I woke up to a loud screaming preacher, but I'll just BET there was a knife infomercial on just before that! :)
Friday, December 3, 2010
My kids ROCK!
I was tucking Noah into bed, and I said to him, "I love you." And he looked up at me with those big brown eyes, and said, "I love you, too, mommy."
That was the sweetest music my ears have ever heard. A full and complete sentence, and it was spoken so clearly and so absolutely perfect! It actually brought tears to the edges of my lids, almost sent them spilling out. I maintained, though, because if I had actually started crying, he would have hugged my tight around the neck and asked me, "K, mommy?" in a very concerned 3-year-old voice, and that would have been just too much for one night!
He is so amazingly sweet and sensitive, and I am so amazed and impressed with my son. He just started using three- and four-word phrases a month ago, and now, already, he is speaking in complete sentences. Granted, some of his sentences are missing some parts of speech, but still! It's just so awesome. His first actual FULL sentence was "I love you, too, mommy." WOW... So beautiful.
Now, let's not forget the princess and her awesome progress today! She took FOUR whole steps without holding onto anything. Ayanna's been standing up without holding onto anything for about 3 or 4 weeks now, but this is a major improvement! She's walking! --well, almost. She can just about pull herself up onto the couch and chairs in the living room, too. Watch out, world! Here she comes! lol. She is also giving REAL kisses. Not the open-mouthed sloppy stuff, but she will press her little mouth to your face and either blow out or smack her lips. KISSES :) And bye-bye is still an all-time favorite word. It was her first word, and she has been having a lot of fun using it, too.
Well, that's enough praises and joy for one blog. I'm tired. Long day and I need a shower. Goodnight.
That was the sweetest music my ears have ever heard. A full and complete sentence, and it was spoken so clearly and so absolutely perfect! It actually brought tears to the edges of my lids, almost sent them spilling out. I maintained, though, because if I had actually started crying, he would have hugged my tight around the neck and asked me, "K, mommy?" in a very concerned 3-year-old voice, and that would have been just too much for one night!
He is so amazingly sweet and sensitive, and I am so amazed and impressed with my son. He just started using three- and four-word phrases a month ago, and now, already, he is speaking in complete sentences. Granted, some of his sentences are missing some parts of speech, but still! It's just so awesome. His first actual FULL sentence was "I love you, too, mommy." WOW... So beautiful.
Now, let's not forget the princess and her awesome progress today! She took FOUR whole steps without holding onto anything. Ayanna's been standing up without holding onto anything for about 3 or 4 weeks now, but this is a major improvement! She's walking! --well, almost. She can just about pull herself up onto the couch and chairs in the living room, too. Watch out, world! Here she comes! lol. She is also giving REAL kisses. Not the open-mouthed sloppy stuff, but she will press her little mouth to your face and either blow out or smack her lips. KISSES :) And bye-bye is still an all-time favorite word. It was her first word, and she has been having a lot of fun using it, too.
Well, that's enough praises and joy for one blog. I'm tired. Long day and I need a shower. Goodnight.
New Blog / New reasons to celebrate!
This blog is now where I'll post anything non-crochet related. Rants, ramblings, jokes, poems, dreams that I need analyzed, etc. So, for those who used to follow my senseless ramblings and random thoughts, they will resume after 2 long months of nothing, but they will continue HERE. The former blog will now be used just for crochet patterns, pictures, orders, etc. Sorry for the confusion and inconvenience.
I got lazy when I was copying all the previous posts in here, so instead of changing the date manually on each and every post, I just put its original post date after its title. From now on, that won't be a problem, as the date will reflect at the time and date it is posted... UGH... Too many words.
I've missed you all and your support and comments. I will do my best to keep this blog updated kinda regularly, since I'm not utilizing FB nearly as much these days. If I'm not living up to my end of the bargain, just send me an e-mail at crochet.chick2@gmail.com anytime... Love you all, and enjoy the endless nonsense that is to come in my NEW blog... Crochet Is Cheaper Than Therapy...
I got lazy when I was copying all the previous posts in here, so instead of changing the date manually on each and every post, I just put its original post date after its title. From now on, that won't be a problem, as the date will reflect at the time and date it is posted... UGH... Too many words.
I've missed you all and your support and comments. I will do my best to keep this blog updated kinda regularly, since I'm not utilizing FB nearly as much these days. If I'm not living up to my end of the bargain, just send me an e-mail at crochet.chick2@gmail.com anytime... Love you all, and enjoy the endless nonsense that is to come in my NEW blog... Crochet Is Cheaper Than Therapy...
coming soon! New changes! -- posted 9/26/10
I'm so over last week. Glad it's Sunday, a new week, and a new beginning to a new chapter in our lives!
Ok, that sounds very optimistic, especially coming from me, but it's so true. I'm tired of acting like an insane woman. By that, I mean that I'm not following the definition of insanity any more. (For those who don't know: Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results). I need to make a change in my life, and have decided to gradually, one week at a time implement new changes into mine and my children's lives.
My first MAJOR change is to get us all on a schedule. Me AND the kids. I'm not going to write out a list, broken down hour by hour, and follow it to a 't' or anything militant like that. No, I'm starting with one small step each week.
First positive new change goes into effect tonight - Dinner at 5pm (Except on Thursdays when we are out in Winston-Salem for Noah's PT, then it'll be closer to 6). We are in church a lot during the week, getting out at 8, and I think that this is too late for Noah to be eating dinner. Thursdays are going to become crock-pot night. Oh, yeah, and did I mention that these will all be HOME COOKED MEALS?! Yeah, that's right! I said it! lol.
Well, it's almost 4... Let me get my butt in the kitchen! Wish me luck.
Ok, that sounds very optimistic, especially coming from me, but it's so true. I'm tired of acting like an insane woman. By that, I mean that I'm not following the definition of insanity any more. (For those who don't know: Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results). I need to make a change in my life, and have decided to gradually, one week at a time implement new changes into mine and my children's lives.
My first MAJOR change is to get us all on a schedule. Me AND the kids. I'm not going to write out a list, broken down hour by hour, and follow it to a 't' or anything militant like that. No, I'm starting with one small step each week.
First positive new change goes into effect tonight - Dinner at 5pm (Except on Thursdays when we are out in Winston-Salem for Noah's PT, then it'll be closer to 6). We are in church a lot during the week, getting out at 8, and I think that this is too late for Noah to be eating dinner. Thursdays are going to become crock-pot night. Oh, yeah, and did I mention that these will all be HOME COOKED MEALS?! Yeah, that's right! I said it! lol.
Well, it's almost 4... Let me get my butt in the kitchen! Wish me luck.
Toothless at 28 -- posted 9/22/10
I went into the office trembling with fear. I knew that no good news could come of this visit to the dentist, but that I needed to go, face my fear head-on, and take what they were going to tell me with as much courage and strength as possible.
The last dentist made me feel so low, talking down to me and scolding me for not only my poor oral health, but my poor lifestyle choices in the past, as well. It was a horrifying experience, so you can certainly understand my apprehension walking into a dentist's office after nearly 3 1/2 years.
It started with a series of X-rays, which I expected. I was open and honest, if not candid, about my dental health issues: weak enamel, low calcium throughout the duration of 4 pregnancies, a past of crystal meth use, cigarette smoking from age 14 to present, and last, but not least, the pain I am currently experiencing is so severe that I am unable to brush my teeth on a regular basis.
I am embarassed, mortified even, to be telling you this, but I feel it's important to get it off my chest, and share my experiences so that, perhaps, I can help someone else out in the future who may encounter this same problem. Walking in, I knew that a lot of my teeth would not be salvaged. What I was not prepared for was the number of them... TWELVE! And that was just the initial assessment. I will need to go in next Tuesday and get a thorough deep cleaning (via novocaine) to really assess the damage more appropriately. It may be more. But, what struck me even harder was the single word the doc said following this news: dentures. I am only 28 years old! I'm not an old woman. This is not supposed to happen to people my age. It was very upsetting to hear this news, but I sat there, in the office, very stoic, and tried my best to pay attention after hearing that word. It was tough. As of yesterday, partial dentures is what we are looking at, but after next Tuesday, it may be ordered that none of my teeth are worth trying to fill, cap, crown, and save. My guess is that this will be the case, and I will end up with a full set of upper dentures, and a partial set on the bottom. Just a guess at this point.
Anyhow, I cried like a baby yesterday, and talked to a few people, one of which was my step-mom, who helped me uncover a huge myth about them... "Granny Gums". "Granny gums" are a term I use that describes how a person looks without their dentures, and I always thought that you could still tell they had them, weather or not they were inserted. Well, as I am told, this is not the case. That sunken mouth look only comes when the false teeth are out of the mouth, and for the most part, no one will be able to tell they are not my actual teeth. That was extremely helpful to hear.
Here's the good things about dentures I've been able to come up with:
1. "Granny gums" is myth.
2. I will have the best smile ever, and will make others jealous of my new pearly whites.
3. I will, for the first time in years... I mean... YEARS... be able to smile a genuine smile, teeth and all, and NOT feel self-conscious about it. I will not have to continue this adapted way of talking that strategically covers my teeth in their entirety when I am speaking. It will be a HUGE self esteem booster!
4. No more pain!
5. MUCH easier to keep them clean. You can pop em out, and REALLY get in the spaces in the back to floss.
6. No more bad breath.
7. No more decay and rot in my mouth.
8. I can not rot them.
So, for some reason this blog and the last one both had 8 points to them... Maybe there is some significance to this number: 8. Who knows... probably just some freakish coincidence. Anyhow, I'm over the initial shock, fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, self-loathing, denial, and sorrow. I will be okay with this, and can make it through this. It will, in the end, be a very good thing.
The last dentist made me feel so low, talking down to me and scolding me for not only my poor oral health, but my poor lifestyle choices in the past, as well. It was a horrifying experience, so you can certainly understand my apprehension walking into a dentist's office after nearly 3 1/2 years.
It started with a series of X-rays, which I expected. I was open and honest, if not candid, about my dental health issues: weak enamel, low calcium throughout the duration of 4 pregnancies, a past of crystal meth use, cigarette smoking from age 14 to present, and last, but not least, the pain I am currently experiencing is so severe that I am unable to brush my teeth on a regular basis.
I am embarassed, mortified even, to be telling you this, but I feel it's important to get it off my chest, and share my experiences so that, perhaps, I can help someone else out in the future who may encounter this same problem. Walking in, I knew that a lot of my teeth would not be salvaged. What I was not prepared for was the number of them... TWELVE! And that was just the initial assessment. I will need to go in next Tuesday and get a thorough deep cleaning (via novocaine) to really assess the damage more appropriately. It may be more. But, what struck me even harder was the single word the doc said following this news: dentures. I am only 28 years old! I'm not an old woman. This is not supposed to happen to people my age. It was very upsetting to hear this news, but I sat there, in the office, very stoic, and tried my best to pay attention after hearing that word. It was tough. As of yesterday, partial dentures is what we are looking at, but after next Tuesday, it may be ordered that none of my teeth are worth trying to fill, cap, crown, and save. My guess is that this will be the case, and I will end up with a full set of upper dentures, and a partial set on the bottom. Just a guess at this point.
Anyhow, I cried like a baby yesterday, and talked to a few people, one of which was my step-mom, who helped me uncover a huge myth about them... "Granny Gums". "Granny gums" are a term I use that describes how a person looks without their dentures, and I always thought that you could still tell they had them, weather or not they were inserted. Well, as I am told, this is not the case. That sunken mouth look only comes when the false teeth are out of the mouth, and for the most part, no one will be able to tell they are not my actual teeth. That was extremely helpful to hear.
Here's the good things about dentures I've been able to come up with:
1. "Granny gums" is myth.
2. I will have the best smile ever, and will make others jealous of my new pearly whites.
3. I will, for the first time in years... I mean... YEARS... be able to smile a genuine smile, teeth and all, and NOT feel self-conscious about it. I will not have to continue this adapted way of talking that strategically covers my teeth in their entirety when I am speaking. It will be a HUGE self esteem booster!
4. No more pain!
5. MUCH easier to keep them clean. You can pop em out, and REALLY get in the spaces in the back to floss.
6. No more bad breath.
7. No more decay and rot in my mouth.
8. I can not rot them.
So, for some reason this blog and the last one both had 8 points to them... Maybe there is some significance to this number: 8. Who knows... probably just some freakish coincidence. Anyhow, I'm over the initial shock, fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, self-loathing, denial, and sorrow. I will be okay with this, and can make it through this. It will, in the end, be a very good thing.
Internet, I missed your GOOD qualities! -- posted 9/22/10
A week ago, I broke up with the internet to get some things in my life right. Well, it was a long week, and a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. But, after a week away, I can honestly say that my house is slightly (and I use that term very relatively) cleaner, I don't feel a strong yearning pulling me into my computer chair at every possible free moment I get during the day anymore, and I (kinda) cooked dinner tonight - WITH the internet connected. And, on another note, I was able to get TWC to back out of $40, and give me a credit, so I feel justice has prevailed!
A few things made me realize that the internet is not all bad, in severe moderation. So, I will be limiting my time online, and using it much more wisely. If this means that my homestead, farm, and cafe have to be shut down, or I'm not the highest scoring Farkle or Family Feud player amongst my friends, so be it. I have seen where FB and being online is beneficial in the following ways:
1.I needed the support of a few friends that I talk to only online when things got bad this past week, and I didn't have any other way to get in contact with them. This situation will be rectified and I will get numbers. If you want mine in case this happens again, just ask.
2. I received a short payment for my unemployment last week, and had to remain on hold for an eternity to get an answer, rather than checking out the situation online.
3. In referance to the above unemployment issue, I was informed that my unemployment will cease to exist in just 5 (now 4) short weeks. I need to be online to fill out applications.
4. Blogging is therapeutic and helps me release my pain and get positive encouragement from you who follow.
5. I can look up scripture and quotes from the bible online using just a few basic keywords or topics, which my hard copy doesn't make so easy.
6. Endless supply of recipes are available online.
7. A very extensive collection of free crochet patterns are available to me online.
8. I can be entertained as I drift off to sleep by whatever TV shows or movies I miss out on by not having TV in the apartment.
So, in conclusion, my FB time will be limited (after tonight), my friend list will be shortened, and I will enjoy the GOOD of the internet. :)
A few things made me realize that the internet is not all bad, in severe moderation. So, I will be limiting my time online, and using it much more wisely. If this means that my homestead, farm, and cafe have to be shut down, or I'm not the highest scoring Farkle or Family Feud player amongst my friends, so be it. I have seen where FB and being online is beneficial in the following ways:
1.I needed the support of a few friends that I talk to only online when things got bad this past week, and I didn't have any other way to get in contact with them. This situation will be rectified and I will get numbers. If you want mine in case this happens again, just ask.
2. I received a short payment for my unemployment last week, and had to remain on hold for an eternity to get an answer, rather than checking out the situation online.
3. In referance to the above unemployment issue, I was informed that my unemployment will cease to exist in just 5 (now 4) short weeks. I need to be online to fill out applications.
4. Blogging is therapeutic and helps me release my pain and get positive encouragement from you who follow.
5. I can look up scripture and quotes from the bible online using just a few basic keywords or topics, which my hard copy doesn't make so easy.
6. Endless supply of recipes are available online.
7. A very extensive collection of free crochet patterns are available to me online.
8. I can be entertained as I drift off to sleep by whatever TV shows or movies I miss out on by not having TV in the apartment.
So, in conclusion, my FB time will be limited (after tonight), my friend list will be shortened, and I will enjoy the GOOD of the internet. :)
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