I always said that marriage was legal slavery - entrapment - a BS institution that is not taken seriously by anyone anymore... Well, why is it that after I reconnect with some old friends on FB that I find myself looking at their pics... The kids, their vacations, their weddings, and yes, even their husbands... and I find myself feeling like I'm somehow missing out on something.
I want to share that special bond with someone, I want to wear a white (well, OFF white) dress, I want pretty flowers and more than one tier on a cake, TOO! I want, I want, I WANT! lol...
Okay, now that I've thrown my little temper tantrum, let me regroup, collect my thoughts, and breathe! It will be okay. I mean, there IS someone out there for everyone, right? RIGHT?!
What if I don't find him, because I'm not looking for him, because I'm content in the life I have right now - you know, that life of sin? Yeah, that's the one... Me, my kids, and my baby daddy. Under one roof, with separate bedrooms, but we still copulate on occasion... Yeah, that.
So, since I'm so content with the way things are and with how things are going, I'm likely to blow off ANY man. Even the best looking men. I tend to think that if they look good, there's something wrong with him for talking to me. I know, it's crazy and irrational, but my logic is he's either gay, cheating, unemployed (which God knows 2 unemployed folks don't make a good match! lol), a mooch, drunk, a woman beater, OR up to no good... I'm such a skeptic. And if he doesn't look all that good, I immediately think he'd make a good friend but tell him I got a man, when I don't, and also tend to think he's up to no good, too... I mean, ALL men are up to no good, right? Right? :)
I'm rambling. OK, the point of this blog: To expose myself for the hypocrite that I've been for a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time now. I want to find my Mr Right, date, get to know him, fall in love, have him and the kids get along beautifully, and get married and live happily ever after. Will this ever happen? Well, not if I don't learn to let go of what I've got and give up on that pipe dream. Can I do that? It would certainly be a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. I've been stuck in it for over 3 years now, and we all know, that's a long time for me to stick with any one thing - be it a job, a car, a house, or a man. I just don't do stability very well. (At least, I didn't pre-Prozac! lol)
Anyhow, that's all. Just needed to expose myself and move on with my life. Maybe now that I got that off my chest I'll be able to sleep better! :)
Everyone is a hyprocrite. I fell in love (many times) with the IDEA of spending my life with one person but tehre were a few times when it was actually a possibility, I made decisions to sabotage the relationships. It was SCARY to think about waking up everyday with the same person. Or actually it was more scary that someone would want to wake up every morning to me.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary! lol - But I want to wet the bed every night! lol. j/k
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