I had a huge fight with my daughter's father on Saturday night while we were visiting his dad, step-mom, and bros and sisters. I told him to take his car, drop me and the kids off, and be done with us. So, he did. I took the car seats out his car and everything... Well, got upstairs, Ayanna still sleeping, and all I wanted was to get wasted. Get upset, get wasted. That's the American way, right?
So, anyhow, I slumped to my knees just inside the door, and started bawling. Noah leaned over and gave me sloppy, drool-infused kisses, and hugged me tight, and that just made me cry worse! lol. Anyhow, got both kids in warm PJ's since it was a little chilly outside and set out pushing the double stroller in a neighborhood that quite a few people have since scolded me about walking around in after dark. I, personally, do not fear for my safety in these parts, but that's because I grew up and around way worse.
I get to the store, tasting beer - that's how bad I wanted to get trashed.
I lug the extra long stroller over to a cooler, and stand there staring at all the different types of spirits that I once had become immune to, and started to talk to God (inside my head because there were still a good amount of people in the store at 10, and I didn't want to appear crazy)
"God, I know I said I'd quit, but I really need this right now. Just this once."
And almost as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I knew it was a lie. Once is never enough for an alcoholic. I mean, here I was, in the middle of the night, walking around a bad neighborhood with my children - it was already bad enough, why make it worse? So, I decided to try a different approach. I prayed: "God, please take this taste out of my mouth. I don't need it. I can get through this. Please guide me through this and strengthen me."
The man in the store looked at me kind of funny when I approached him about ten minutes after walking to the coolers with a Mt Dew and an Oats & Honey bar for Noah. I just smiled at him and said, "God does answer prayers," as I handed him my $2 and walked out.
I left that store a whole lot richer that night. Richer in the literal sense, because 16oz. beers are no longer 99cents, but also spiritually richer.
Isaiah 41:10 says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
In other news, when he threw the keys at me earlier in the evening, I scooped them all up and put them in my purse, not noticing that his house keys were in the pile, and I didn't realize this until I got home. I guess all things happen for a reason, because he had to come over and retrieve them, and we were able to talk and work things out. :)
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